Saturday, May 1, 2010

Yes or no.

I just got back from the funeral of one of my best friend's brothers. He was 21. Funny, handsome, dean's list at his college. A musician. He was a brilliantly shining star. He would've changed the world. He killed himself on Monday.

And it was a hard funeral to sit through.

Nine years ago, I was on the Dean's list at my college. I had a band. I had parents who loved me, I had perfect grades, I had incredibly close friends. I had my suicide weapon picked out. Somewhere along the way, the weight of all the days I had left to live had become crushing. There was some kind of agony in the difference between the person I was and the person I thought I should be. In the end, it was this: yes or no. I had a choice. I made it. I had to choose it several times before it stuck. I was so, so very close.

I wish I could roll back time and go to him on Sunday night and say . . .

I don't know what I'd say.

I know I'm flippant about the Shiver series -- I call it my werewolf nookie series. But the fact is, buried in the pages of every book of that trilogy, bled into the theme and the characters, is evidence of why I made the choice I did, and I hope readers see it. The readers who need to see it. I don't know what else I can say.

Ian, there were so many songs you had yet to hear. I wish that when it had been yes or no, you'd picked yes.
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