Monday, May 9, 2011

Twelve Steps to Road Trip Readiness

I'm sure pretty much everyone know that I am taking my '73 Camaro on nearly month-long road trip for FOREVER this July (dates here). Many people have expressed the idea that I am insane to take a car older than me on a 3,700 mile trip where getting places on time is crucial. I am here to say that the key to success in these matters is PREPARATION. Allow me to describe for you the 12 steps to getting a '73 Camaro ready for a road trip halfway across the country.

STEP ONE:

Buy the car. Name it Loki. Tell the IRS it's your business vehicle and proceed to drive it to every school and library event ever invented. Realize that the windshield leaks, so you'd better put your books in the back seat. Also, the driver's side window doesn't roll up all the way. Also, sometimes, the glove box won't shut.

These are cosmetic things. Superficial.

Tell yourself you are not a superficial girl.


STEP TWO:

Learn the international language of motoring. i.e. when you are traveling to an event, and people begin to point frantically at you, they're not admiring the paint job. They're trying to tell you about this:


STEP THREE:

During a hard winter, observe your Lover accidentally taking a piece out of your car's finish with a snow shovel.

Suspect that it was pushed, not fell, because Loki has taken to stopping randomly in the middle of the road and Lover is tired of coming to rescue you.


STEP FOUR:

Okay, so apparently you are a superficial girl.

This thing's getting painted. Blog readers vote red. Red it is. Well, not quite red. Really, it's TANGERINE KANDY, if we're being specific.

You are always a specific girl.


STEP FIVE:

Decide that, while you're at it, you'll replace the hood that comes open while you're driving sometimes, because it seems wrong to paint a crappy hood in TANGERINE KANDY.


STEP SIX:

Good bye, snow shovel tattoo. Hellloooo, beautiful!

You, authorfriend, are driving this baby everywhere from now on. They'll have to surgically remove it from your buttocks to get you through airport security (oh and what a surgery that would be).

You are driving the hottest author vehicle out there.

Loki painting in progress


STEP SEVEN:




STEP EIGHT:

This is the part where Loki goes to the shop and spends four months having the wires ripped out, because the random stopping thing stopped being humorous about 12 months ago.

It would be a terrible crime to lose your sense of humor.



STEP NINE:

Enthusiastically and optimistically map out your tour stops while Loki is in the shop. Complete with little doodles of the things you are doing along the way. Find Lover crouched by the giant map spread in the entrance hall, trying to decipher the hieroglyphs.



STEP TEN:

Make it 9 miles from the mechanic before the car gasps to a halt.

STEP ELEVEN:

Make it 8 miles from new mechanic before car again gasps to a halt. Repeat steps 7,8, 10, and 11 several more times. Stare at the map.

3,700 miles is a long way.




STEP TWELVE:

Buy a new one.

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